When Mr. Spock and Nurse Chapel won't stop playing keep away with Dr. McCoy's tricorder.
When Scotty keeps asking if he's done with his sandwich.
Hot green alien babes with a conscience.
When Mr. Sulu lets his pet monkey fly the ship without telling anyone.
Fans who dump him for that balding Brittish guy from "The Next Generation."
Child support attorneys from all over the galaxy won't leave him alone.
When his semiintelligent hairpiece lunges at visiting alien ambassadors, causing galactic wars.
Dick Clark still has not aged a year.
The way women have lately been bursting into laughter when he makes a pass at them.
And the Number One Pet Peeve of Captain Kirk :
Gene Roddenberry died and all he left him was a lousy tshirt !!
20 Things That Never Happen In Star Trek
The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather wellknown old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the wellstocked Enterprise sickbay.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a lessadvanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highlytrained and competent engineering staff.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which doesn't put them on trial.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which has mistacken them for some one else, then lets them go.
The Enterprise visits an earthtype planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon shown to be exactly what it seems.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's suprise.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre timewarp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from the boy genius WesCrusher.
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
Spock (or Data) is fired from his highranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
Top Ten Upcoming Plot Lines Stolen from 1970's TV Shows
Data interviews an array of eccentric characters while taking subspace callins on "Datahue."
The crew gets an economic lesson on perceived pricing strategies and has the opportunity to win valuable prizes on the "Enterprise is Right."
Data once again tries to find love this time by interviewing 3 lovely ladies with amusing double entendres in "The Data Game."
Captain Picard and the valiant crew defeat the Borg by exposing them to music that has a beat they can't resist in "Shake your Borgie."
A series of murders baffles Dr. Crusher until she resorts to doing autopsies. Meanwhile, Q's back. Yes, it's "Qincy!"
Troi, Riker, and Ro are trapped during a storm on a planet and forced to share an emergency shelter in "Three's a Landing Party."
The Enterprise takes Luaxana and Milton Berle(!) on a romantic trip to Raisa. Meanwhile some comedic Ferengis smuggle some contraband in Luaxana's luggage! Riker escorts guests to their rooms, Guinan serves drinks, Crusher handles spacesickness, and Picard provides class and wit. All this and more on the "Love Starship!"
A transporter accident (surprise!) gives Geordi the superhuman powers of the Q in "I Dream of Geordi."
Captain Picard pretends he's a detective to whom he bears more than just a passing resemblance in "KoJacques."
Any plot from "Space 1999." Oops! These are saved for "Deep Space 9!"
Top 10 things they should've put in 'Starship Mine'
An ops station on the base with a snotty Starfleet officer insisting he is in charge and nothing is wrong.
A group of Romulan Commandos sneaking aboard to steal technology fighting the thieves and Picard gets caught in the middle.
Two words: Alan Rickman.
Picard gets his shirt torn like Kirk used to.
Data puts the two terrorists to sleep with small talk.
Picard gets an antique Uzi from some other security officer's quarters.
What happens when somone actually gets hit with that sweep?
The lead female asks Picard "What are you, some kind of cowboy?"
Data uses his superior strength and speed to knock out both terrorists before Riker hits the floor.
and the number one thing they should've put in "Starship Mine"
At least one terrorist escapes so they can use this plot for DS9.
The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation
Breeding Grounds Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with Klingon aphrodisiacs.
ElectroQtion (alternate title: Q d'etat) Q endows every Starfleet uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling; the Captain breaks the record for most shirttugging "Picard Maneuvers" in one episode.
The Bonding II Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table in his ready room.
Deanna Does Pallas while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive Reaches its peak.
Hell Hath No Fury Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computergenerated bimbo.
Globular Mustard an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: ProseQting Attorney) Q puts humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday.
The Funted superior aliens sieze the Enterprise claiming that they wish to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is really on Galactic Candid Camera.
Out, Out, Damn Spot Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a hairball on Captain Picard.
Star Trek VII: Up the Creek Wesley and three of his pals must win a river rafting race for Starfleet Academy.
The TOP TEN reasons Picard won't fire the phasers:
He doesn't know how.
He doesn't want to succumb to crew pressure.
He doesn't want to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
He doesn't want to use the same effects as the old show.
Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
It saves energy.
He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
What would his mother say?
The TOP TEN worries of Capt. JeanLuc Picard
Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
Crew refers to him as "Captain ChromeDome Retard" behind his back.
That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
Wesley might come to visit.
Luwxanna Troi might come to visit.
If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they're free.
The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.
Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER be rid of the big dork!
Top 10 worst Starfleet Names and Registries
U.S.S. Answer NCC 42
U.S.S. Pickup NCC 52
U.S.S. Lucifer NCC 666
U.S.S. Friday NCC 13 - 8
U.S.S. Oldsmobile NCC 442
U.S.S. James Bond NCC 007
U.S.S. Rescue NCC 911
U.S.S. Ivory NCC 99 44/100
U.S.S. George Orwell NCC 1984
and the #1 Worst Starship name and registry
U.S.S. Beverly Hills NCC 90210
U.S.S. Questions NCC 20
The TOP TEN lines you'll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation
Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks!
Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century.
Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot!
Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red...
Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out!
Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
a Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache.
Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!
Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hypermagnetic field controls.
Riker: What will that do?
Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive!
Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers!
The TOP TEN command decisions Captain Picard has to make
Should he send Wesley an FTD PickMeUp bouquet?
How big a tip to leave in 10Forward?
Should he open hailing frequencies or beam over a nice Hallmark card?
Stock up on minoxidol or turtle wax?
Whether or not to have easylistening music played in the turbolifts.
Should he put Spock on his Christmas card list?
Whether or not to have Data's cat neutered.
Whether or not to have Commander Riker neutered.
Bud or Coors?
Keep matter/antimatter warp engines or switch over to natural gas?
Top 10 changes now that Paramount and Viacom have merged
Ferengi lining up around the block to buy commercial time on Nickelodeon, MTV, and the USA Network.
Odo now an obstacle in "Super Sloppy Double Dare".
The Borg will assimilate VH1.
Wesley Crusher releived that all the hostility towards him has been redirected towards Acting Ensign Clarissa.
Deanna Troi replaced with Rhonda Shear.
Since Paramount theme parks have Klingons, Nickelodeon theme parks will have Cardassians.
Worf now hosts "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV .
Theme song to DS9 now done by Stone Temple Pilots.
Jake and Nog become MTV veejays.
And the number one change now that Paramount and Viacom have merged:
Ensign Beavis & Ensign Butthead!
LAWS OF ACQUISITION
1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
2. His money is only your's when he can't get it back.
3. Never allow one's culture's law to get in the way of a
universal goal: profit.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.